|Posted by Alyssa on February 12, 2015 at 4:55 AM|
On Tuesday, our training was focused on the Holy Spirit. We watched a video series and heard of the awesome work God is doing in and through hearts in Brooklyn, New York.
Although it was seemingly unrelated to the specific aspects of the Holy Spirit that we were learning, God used this video series to heal hidden pain. He revealed in me deep hurt that had turned to anger.
I was struck by something I noticed in the background of the first video and I had no idea why. I couldn’t get it out of my head.
After the last session we were given a few minutes to allow the Holy Spirit to speak further. As soon as I turned my face toward the floor my eyes began to fill with water.
I was completely taken off guard.
As snot hang from the end of my nose and my sight became blurry I decided that if I was going to get to the bottom of my raw emotions it was not going to happen in a room with 9 other people. I needed to be alone…and I needed to blow my nose.
I went to the bathroom and started praying.
What is wrong with me? What are You trying to show me?
As He revealed the source I broke down even further.
I couldn’t understand why He had allowed those I dearly love to endure such pain.
I asked Him, Why? No answer. I asked again. No answer. The more silence I received the angrier I became.
I managed to collect myself—dry my eyes—but every time I took a step toward that door it all began again.
I slid down the wall to the floor, saying, Okay, You have my attention. What?
Then He finally said, The why doesn’t matter. I love them.
I completely broke down. I had actually convinced myself that God didn’t love them.
And that was it, the core of my anger.
There have been a few times throughout my life where I can recall the Holy Spirit’s teaching but I have rarely, if ever, willingly opened myself to His revelation.
It’s a scary concept. No one really wants to know what’s lying dormant just beneath the surface of their hearts.
It’s uncomfortable, embarrassing, painful.
I have felt barriers preventing a full, healthy relationship between God and me for some time and although I think I have at least a few more barriers to break down I have a love for and comfort in God that I haven’t experienced in a very long time.
I gave my anger to Him and He was faithful to take it away.
Remnants of the pain remain—the past can never change—but my anger is no longer present.
Chances are you have experienced great hurt. Like me, you have probably spent endless hours asking God why. But it’s not about the why.
He loves you.
He loves you.
And this is the best thing for you.