Sacrifices. We idolize the word and yet fight its consequences.

When I was seventeen years old God took me through a process of giving my life over to Him—completely. This journey, I’m sad to say, took months. God asked me, “Would you die for Me?” and I could only answer no.

My no turned to yes during a missions trip to Honduras. Believing that God was going to literally bring me to a place where I would have to make this decision, I was terrified. This decision was one of the hardest I’ve ever had to make.

That is, until this year, as I gradually come face-to-face with the reality of living a life solely devoted to God.

I knew this year was going to be one of the absolute best, hardest years of my life but knowledge and experience are two very different things.

I am reminded almost daily of how blessed I am to be living here in South Africa. I love South Africa. I love the people, I love the views, I love the work I’m able to do here, I love the feeling of being in the center of God’s will (there is no place quite like it). But I also miss home.

It still baffles my mind how these two polar opposite emotions can exist simultaneously in one mind. I’ve even gone so far as to experience feelings of guilt—guilt that if I’m missing home then that means I’m not appreciative of where I am; guilt that if I’m content here it means I don’t really love those back at home.

But, for the most part, I had been able to keep my emotions in check…that is, until I spent my first holiday away from home. Whew, that hit me pretty hard. Skype is a wonderful thing but it cannot allow you to live life with the people you miss so terribly.

You can’t give a hug through Skype, or receive one. You can’t chill on the couch and spend the afternoon simply in the other person’s presence. And even though they can see you, maybe even hear you, you still aren’t there…and you never will be.

I have had one constant best friend my entire life. Last Saturday, she got married…and I wasn’t there. I will never have been there. I will not show up in any photos. I will have no stories to tell. I missed eating the food, the cake, watching her get ready, watching her walk down the aisle, hearing the vows phonate from her lips.

I did see the wedding— I even had a front row seat—but I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there for her on one of the most important days of her life. And it kills me.

Saying yes to God’s plans for me may have taken a lot of coaxing but being faced with the consequences has been almost unbearable.

Dealing with these consequences can be hard, even painful, but the consequences of saying no are far greater. It won’t be easy—you may even find yourself wanting to scream—but to be anywhere outside of the will of God…well, that’s just crazy.